— The small, landlocked Republic of Gornamakedonija is only “4 to 5 years” away from EU membership, stated ....
EU president Federica Mogherini today during a meeting with Gornamakedonijan Prime Minister Zoran Zaev, now in his eighth year as prime minister. “We need more reforms and we need the Government of Gornamakedonija to do more to encourage the citizens, especially those using social media, to stop with their irredentist claims against Greece and Bulgaria. As good Europeans who believe in good neighborly relations, it does not help your prospects for EU membership when some members of the public insist on calling themselves ‘Macedonians’ and referring to this beautiful country of Gornamakedonija by its former name,” she concluded.
Despite having come to an agreement with Greece to change the name, identity, language and many other aspects of what was the “Republic of Macedonia” in 2018, the Greeks continue to put up roadblocks to Gornamakedonija’s membership in the EU due to irredentism among many Gornamakedonijans. Polls show that an overwhelming majority of ethnic Gornamakedonijans still refer to themselves quaintly as “Macedonian” and their identity, language, Church and culture as, oddly, “Macedonian.” This puts the government of Gornamakedonija at odds with the majority of its citizens and when anyone in the private sector, media (especially social media), Church, educational institutions, sports sector and other areas refer to themselves, their language, their culture, and their Church, among other things, as “Macedonian” it creates unnecessary friction with the good and neighborly Greeks and Bulgarians.
The change of the country’s name, identity, Church, language, and culture, among other things, did not come easy. It took the concerted efforts of the EU, US, NATO, and many of the intelligentsia in Gornamakedonija to wear down the Gornamakedonijans over two decades to get them to accept their new name and identity. While some Gornamakedonijans still believe that the referendum which passed and allowed for the name and identity change was rigged, the Government of Gornamakedonija insists that it was “free and fair,” as stated by the OSCE’s electoral observer mission, ODHIR (pronounced, ‘oh dear’). Some Gornamakedonijans insist that 2.3 million votes cast in a country with only 2.1 million citizens makes the whole affair suspect. Parliament too, adopted the constitutionally required changes demanded by the Greeks when about 20 members of the opposition party, VMRO-DPMNE tragically lost their lives in a bus accident just before the vote.
Gornamakedonija has been a NATO member since 2019 (after Greece finally ratified the country’s accession after having requested a few more concessions regarding trade names and the former Internet domain “.mk” now, “.gmka”) and Gornamakedonija Foreign Minister Pavle Bogoevski recently reflected on the country’s membership stating that “Now that we are in NATO, everything is wonderful, everyone is happy, and everything is great. Love, peace, unicorns, kittens, puppy dogs, Skittles.”
Gornamakedonija President Radmila Sekerinska, in the final year of her first five-year term, stated that “It was soooooo worth it changing our name and identity to get into NATO and soon, we hope, into the EU. Names and identity, like gender, are fluid and so not really very important and can change depending on what side of the bed you wake up on. What’s more important is having more consumer choices and more opportunities to buy stuff because this is what makes us happy. NATO membership, while a security guarantee against the Russians and Chinese, also brings other benefits like purchasing power. Although debt also comes with that, it is OK because we can pass that off and down to future generations. It is absolutely soooooo totally adorable that some citizens in our beautiful Republic of Gornamakedonija refer to themselves by their old name but hey, this is the 21st century and they need to get with the program,” she concluded. Sekerinska was first elected in 2019 with 98% of the support of Gornamakedonija’s ethnic Albanians when she promised them a federalized country. While there is a dispute as to how many ethnic Albanians make up Gornamakedonija, with some saying as few as 18 percent of the population and others, including the Albanians themselves, saying as many as 75 percent of the population, no one really knows as the last census was conducted more than 22 years ago in 2002.
Consumer debt has increased by 250% since joining NATO and government debt is now 120% of GDP, due, in part, to the fact that tourism has shrunk and foreign direct investment has collapsed following the government’s focus away from promoting Gornamakedonija abroad and its personal and corporate tax increases. Unemployment has also crept up “but NATO membership will eventually, one day, some day, perhaps, maybe, who the hell knows, bring rewards” according to NGO activist Saso Ordanovski.
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Additional reporting from Sofia, Athens and Tirana
Author’s note: if you haven’t got it yet, the above is pure fiction. Right?
(ωραίο αυτοσαρκαστικό ειρωνικό άρθρο σκοπιανού)
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